"live with your wives in an understanding way" -- 1 Peter 3:7

In popular culture I have encountered a phrase that people use to justify a divorce, "we just grew apart." The phrase usually indicates that no guilt and no responsibility should be attributed for the breakup of the marriage. The couple could not help it. It was just the natural course of life that we just "grew" or "drifted" apart.

In our men's study I am preparing to lead the group through 1st Peter 3. The apostle Peter in verse 3:7 lays the responsibility on the man for keeping the marriage together.

1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (ESV)

Notice the italicized part. Men are to "understand" or "know" their wives. A man's prayer life and his relationship with God depends on how he well he knows his wife and shows honor to her in light of that knowledge. Obviously, Peter wants to stress that living with our wives in an understanding way is very important to our spiritual lives.

To set the context, let us look at the very first phrase of the verse, "likewise, husbands" or "In the same way, husbands,". The husband's way is like the wife's path. "Likewise" is also used in verse 3:1 and is directed to the wives. This "likewise" points back Peter's instruction to the slaves in chapter 2. The way of Christ for husbands is the same as the path for wives and the way of Christ for wives is the same as the path for slaves: all of them are to humbly walk out their devotion to Christ by showing respect and loving everyone in the household.

George Clowney
Husbands, in the same way… The path of Christian living is no different for the husband than for the wife. Both are called to follow Christ in humble and compassionate love, accepting rebuffs with forgiving grace (3:8-9). Since the husband’s role is different, the form of his service is different. The wife is called to be submissive to her husband; the husband is called to honour his wife. That honour includes considerate understanding. (The Message of 1 Peter: The Way of the Cross, pp. 133)

The next phrase "in an understanding way" is interesting. It means a husband needs to know his wife. He must study her needs and wants. He must study in the Scriptures to see what God wants for his wife. The husband needs to figure out how to help his wife grow in the knowledge of Christ. How this principle works itself out in every marriage will be different. However, getting to know one's spouse takes time. It may mean finding activities to do with your wife that you both enjoy. Husbands will never fully know their wives or lead their wives perfectly. However, honoring this command involves a deliberate choice of resources of time and energy. A wise farmer who was an elder of my church once advised me that a porch swing could be the best marriage counselor. Just setting aside and spending time with your spouse is key.

George Clowney
The husband is to live with his wife considerately, literally ‘according to knowledge’. The expression describing their living together is not limited to sexual intimacy, but it has particular reference to it. In all their life together, and particularly in their sexual union, the husband is to relate to his wife ‘according to knowledge’. Does Peter mean knowledge of the wife, or the knowledge of God and his calling? The close connection with the description of the wife as the weaker partner favours the specific sense: the husband must dwell with wife as one who knows her needs, who recognizes the delicacy of her nature and feelings.
(The Message of 1 Peter: The Way of the Cross, pp. 133-134)

The apostle Paul wrote the sacrifices husbands must make for their marriage.

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, (ESV)

I would like to think most husbands would lay down lives for their wives. Men should be willing to take a bullet intended for their wives, but Paul in Ephesians 5 intended more than an one-time sacrifice. Husbands are to daily give up their time and resources to study their wives in order to show love to them. This is not easy. Some men find it easier and less stressful to work overtime or listen to the game alone in the garage or drink a beer with friends at a bar. Family life can be difficult and messy. However, the joy of loving serving Christ with one's spouse through marriage will grow and outlast all these temporal pleasures.