A prominent christian leader was asked by a young man how did you get such a great and obedient wife and daughter. The leader replied that the questioner should pursue the spiritual disclipines such as prayer, phone fasts, media fasts, reading the word, etc. This sounded reasonable at the time, but as I mulled over the answer, I became dissatisfied with it. The answer fundamentally misunderstands the purpose of spiritual disciplines and of marriage. This blog post is my response to the answer. I have a few caveats before I start.
first, it was an off-the-cuff answer to a random question from an audience member after a speech. The spiritual leader's answer had to be short and to the point. I am not sure I could have done any better. Although, I am sure he was asked this type of question all the time.
Second, as far I as know the leader was not a trained pastor nor did he claimed to be one. What gave his views on the Christian life import was the success of his ministry and marriage. We should double-check anyone who gives this type of advice, but especially leaders who head parchurch ministries or political movements
Third, I am not bashing spiritual disciplines, on the contrary,I strongly encourage them but spiritual disciplines can be practiced with wrong motives or expectations.
In this blog I will state a short answer to the question, a long answer to the question, and my objection to the leader's view of spiritual gifts.
Short Answer
My short answer would be I thank God for my wife and family. Proverbs 19:14 states that a "prudent wife is a gift from the Lord." A godly wife is a undeserved blessing. You cannot earn a godly wife. A godly wife is not a reward for a life that zealously practices the spiritual gifts or a life given over to sacrificial service to a ministry. If you are single, pray for a godly wife. Use godliness and prudence as qualities you look for in a wife. If you are married, then realize God placed you in this marriage. Praise God for your marriage. Pray for wisdom in how to seek God in your marriage and how to love your wife more.
Long Answer
My long answer would be that the questioner was asking the wrong question. The question should be, "How do I love God through loving my wife more?". The purpose of marriage is not to make the spouses comfortable and happy. The purpose of marriage is to glorify God in their interactions with each other and with God.
Ephesians 5:22–33
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (ESV)
Where people awry in understanding this passage is that they tie the commands together. They make the command to the wife and the command to the husband dependent on one another. For example, if my husband loves me, I will respect him. Or likewise, if my wife is respectful, I will love her. However, the command to respect their husbands is not just when the husband is loving her; but at all times. Likewise, the husband is to love his wife all the time, not just when she is being respectful. God gives no promise to husbands and wives if they are obedient that their spouses will be come godly. Peter intimates in 1 Peter 3:1 that God may graciously use the humble behavior of the wife to win over her husband, but this is far from a promise. God wants the spouses to love each other sacrifically and unconditionally as Christ loved the church.
To illustrate my point I turn to the Old Testament. There are two examples of godly men having ungodly wives in the Old Testament: Hosea and Job. Hosea's wife was a prostitute who kept cheating on him. Job's wife, urged Job to curse God and die (Job 2:9) after Satan took away their possessions,children, and Job's health. Furthermore, there is an example in the Old Testament where a very foolish and ungodly man had a prudent wife. In 1 Samuel 25, Nabal refused to pay David for David's protection of Nabal's herds. Abigail had to step in to save Nabal's employees and possessions. Nabal was saved from David's retributioin, but God struck him dead shortly thereafter. Job, Hosea, and Nabal may be rare examples, but they highlight my thesis that God does not promise a godly wife to a godly man. These examples reinforce the truth that God is sovereign overall and specifically sovereign in your marriage.
Who knows if the aforementioned spiritual leader intentionally implied that the practice of spiritual disciplines would cause God to make one's spouse godly or one's marriage happy. He may not have meant that implication, but the his answer leads to that inference. Scripture shows us God designed marriage to glorify Himself. Our pursuit of God involves our treatment of our spouses in our marriage.
Spiritual Gifts
1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (ESV)
Note prayer is a spiritual discipline. The efficacy of a husband's prayers is dependent on how he treats his wife. There is an interdependency between one's overall obedience and the practice of the spiritual disciplines. The practice of spirtiual gifts is not a deal with God that if I practice these habits, then God will make my life comfortable and provide me with a godly wife and family. On the other hand, God may use spiritual disciplines faithfully practiced to help bring believers through difficult times in the life.
The practice of spiritual disciplines is a grateful response to God for what God has already done for us in Christ's death and resurrection. Godly living will help you escape the snares of foolish living. For example, debauchery does not lead to happiness, pornography does not lead to a fulfulling sexual relationship with one's spouse, and greed does not lead to the joy of abundant giving. Spiritual disciplines are biblically informed habits to guide you into a deeper and more profound relationship with God. A married couple practicing the spiritual disciplines together with the right attitudes will pave a way to deeper relationship with God and with each other.
